1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year except now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn...

10. Their small size makes them portable 09. Elves, the other, other white meat 08. Can conveniently use UPS for elf travel 07. OSHA doesn’t care how many elves you kill 06. Keeps him from ever having to buy knee pads 05. Has a deal with Nabisco to pick up Keebler lay-offs 04. Saves money by shopping in the kids section 03. 20 elves produce as much heat as one rick of wood. 02. Elves have to be at least 300 years old to retire. 01....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s actually a SHE. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, a lot of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they...

  When you have a family, the holidays usually end up being all about your children, family and friends more so than yourself.  I believe thats the way it really should be.  Although I don’t really enjoy torturing myself, I do like to force myself to realize that there are differences between what one wants and what one needs.  This all adds up to my usual mental list of the things I really WANT as opposed to what i will probably...

A man in New York calls his son, Bob in Tennessee the day before Christmas Eve and says “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” The son asks, “Dad, what are you talking about? What has happened?”  The father replies, “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer. We’re sick of each other, and I’m...

The Dog’s Diary:8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm – Got...